Alright, guys. It’s about to get extremely honest around here. Proceed at your own risk.
We are not ok. I just want to go ahead and get that out of the way. I mentioned in my last post that Brandon was fired in March. Well, he still hasn’t found another job. Through all the applications, the sending out of résumés, the networking and coffees and lunches he has done, we don’t even have any prospects. And we are at the end of our ropes. His severance is gone, the little bit we had left over from the car insurance settlement is gone, and our savings is gone. And we have no. idea. what we are going to do.
So I’m sorry to bring down the mood so early on, but this is our reality. As each day goes by, we are wondering more and more what we are actually going to do. How we’re going to pay our rent next week. I’ve had to up my prescription for the second time because the anxiety is just too much for me to handle.
Now we take it down a notch. (You were warned.) Y’all know about my struggles with depression and anxiety. But what you don’t know is this — about a year and a half ago, Brandon was diagnosed with OCD-perfectionism and Bipolar 1. It’s not something we’ve talked about much because most people are wildly uneducated and make a lot of assumptions. They assume that Bipolar means you’re one person one minute and a different person the next (as in something similar to multiple personality disorder). They think it’s something that means you should immediately be locked away in an institution and never be let out. But these are extremes, and the vast majority of people with these struggles, you would never know. Just like when I would start to open up about my depression, I would hear, “I had no idea. You hid it so well.” Bipolar can be the same. Brandon is the king of “game face”. Whether he is having an up (manic) day or a down (depressive) day, he is able to pretty well even it out around people. Some days are worse than others, just like with anything, and there’s only so much that can be hidden, but for the most part we manage.
But here’s where we’re at — Brandon not only lost his job, we lost every bit of community we had. Severed, and without any explanation. We were unable to call anyone to explain because we were told not to speak to anyone until his severance period was over. You guys, we were told not to tell our FAMILIES. (Obviously we told our families.) Others were told it was a mutual decision and it was left at that, and we couldn’t contact anyone to explain or even say goodbye. If any word went around that happened to damage anyone’s reputation, the severance would be gone. We were told that if the volunteers Brandon worked with, the ones we considered family, continued to go to leadership and ask questions, the severance would be gone. But these folks knew Brandon well enough to know that he would not make a decision like that and just not show up anymore. Of course they’re going to ask questions. Brandon loved and appreciated every one of them, and they knew it, and they loved and appreciated him. When I say they were family, I mean it. You guys know we moved away from the blood relatives to invest in this place, and this is where we grew new, meaningful relationships. So on top of losing a job, a paycheck, a career… we lost every relationship we had except one. Dave Siler, Brandon’s closest co-worker and best friend, is the only one we have left. He’s become our brother and has stuck by us and stood up for us in ways no one has before.
You guys want to know how many people I had reach out to me? How many in the Bible study I was a part of, how many from the classes I was taking? Not one. Not one single person called or texted or even sent a Facebook message to ask where I’d been. The only person who reached out to me was the nursery director, and even she didn’t know Brandon had been fired, she was just checking in after his wreck. She was the only one who expressed sadness that we wouldn’t be around anymore, and let us know she would not only miss us, but miss our boys. Not only did this whole thing affect us, it affected our children who, all of a sudden, were not allowed to “go church and play”, which they asked to do on a regular basis. That may have been the most heart-wrenching part of it all.
{Hear my heart here. Even with all of this, we don’t wish anyone ill. Brandon invested his heart and soul to ensure the well-being of the production there. He made every improvement he could. He saved money by doing a ton of installation and construction work himself. He trained up volunteers to bring a level of excellence that would facilitate a worship experience that pointed people to the Lord. We want this to continue. We certainly do not wish failure or even a lessening of quality in that respect. But this is the truth, and it needs to be spoken. (Or written. You know.)}
Here’s the bottom line. We lost our family by no fault of their own. A few folks have reached out the last couple of weeks, and it’s been amazing to finally be able to rekindle those relationships. People have been so very gracious and shown us so much love it’s been almost overwhelming. But it was mentioned at one point that someone was “worried about doing the wrong thing”. And that was ok, because it was honest, and I fully understand that sentiment. Guys, please, PLEASE never be afraid of doing the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing is so much better than doing nothing at all. If you are worried, ask. What you think the wrong thing is just might be the right thing. People in tough situations feel like their burden is lifted when they feel love. Love doesn’t mean money and gifts. It just means being there.
So no, we’re not ok. No, we have no idea what is happening or what life even is right now. Nothing makes a bit of sense. But we have started to feel loved again, and slowly but surely, that is making all the difference.
