Community is a funny thing.
It’s a word we harp on in the church world… Find community, do life with your community. Community is the end-all be-all of churchy-life.
But what does it even mean?
Is it a group of people you eat with 4-5 times a week? Do you just meet once or twice a month to catch up? How do you find such people? What’s the right number of folks? Can you have more than one group or is that like cheating? So many questions.
I don’t have answers. I’ve had “community” in all of the above ways and I suppose they all work in their own way at different parts of life. Maybe it’s whatever works for the people involved. Maybe it can change for the same people as lives change.
But this thing that is supposed to be supportive and life-giving can also be hurtful and excluding. I’ve been at a place that made a small group almost mandatory, and was unable to find one I could attend (I was in college and had a couple night classes), in my area of town, with people close to my age/stage of life. I was then significantly left out of what was going on at that church. Conversations on Sundays took place in circles of people and I was left to myself.
Add postpartum depression and social anxiety in an already introverted person to the mix of unclear rules and what can quickly turn clique-like and you’ve got a recipe for serious isolation. (Especially when you have small people who are not easily toted around.) I don’t need a lot of people, but I need some. I need people who I can call on a bad day and be honest that it’s just a bad day, just to get it out of my head. I need people to celebrate with me that most of my days are getting better. And I need other people that I can focus on and invest in and celebrate their good days.
Oh, community. I do believe we need it, whatever it looks like for each of us. It’s crucial to be able to connect with at least SOMEone. Let’s commit to trying to expand that in whatever way we need. And if you’re in a great spot with your people… Be a little extra thankful for them today. It’s not something to take for granted.
Community….. We are members of the first church we’ve ever attended that has “communities”. These communities meet on Sunday mornings, and the core groups in each community don’t change, the teachers rotate through the communities. The purpose is to grow relationships and be supportive of one another….. We have found it difficult to fit in anywhere. We went to one community where they separated the women and men on different sides of the room. Steve was at a table with 2 other men, when another man walks up and asks if he can take a chair then proceeded to move to another over-crowded table with his buddies. Another week, we went to a “community” and was given a book the class was going through with the comment “…if you don’t think you’ll come back, please leave the book on the table.” And by the way, there was no room at the tables so we sat against the wall. Finally, another class we were attending for a bit talked about the good time they had at a social event that was never announced in class and we knew nothing about. Yeah, these experiences don’t make one feel welcome. Contrary to the purpose of these communities, we felt unwelcome, excluded, left out…. Anyway, we finally visited the “community” of elderly people–average age probably 70, and they were the most friendly and welcoming group we went to. I think their generation grew up with good manners. So, we have gone to a few social things with them, and they seem to be intentional about trying to discourage cliques. For example, we went to one social where we sat at a table with people based on birth years. We went to a dinner of 8 where the attendees were drawn from a hat. Good way to mix things up so you get to meet different people. Personally, I miss the good ole Sunday School classes, where the classes changed every quarter or semester and you picked a new class to go to with a new group of people. … So that is my experience with “communities”. Not really a fan.
As I think about it, communities don’t replace friendships. You may grow a friendship from a community, but a community doesn’t necessarily provide true friends. And communities can sometimes be over-kill. Too much togetherness with the same people is not really healthy. Some of my good friends have come from meeting at church, but we weren’t in “communities” where we were always together. Other friends came along through meeting during children’s activities, or volunteering, or neighbors. True close friends are hard to find, and friendships can change. I’ve had one consistent friend in Colorado. Other friends I was close to for a season and then we moved on for various reasons. I’ve discovered that my husband and Mom are really my best friends. They will always listen, and will love me no matter what. I’m so thankful for that.
You are in a season of life that is both wonderful and difficult. I want to encourage you to do what you need to do to give yourself a break, and try to step out of your comfort zone to engage in some things where you can meet new people with common interests, and/or who have children in the same age group as yours. It takes some extra effort and planning with two young sons, but you do need to take care of you. As you do this, God will bless you with some new friends! I love you!
This is very well written and well thought out. I have not been in a community as we still have the traditional Sunday School with rotating teachers. Community is sort of what you make it I would think.
As far as friends, Jesus is always there for you. There is a hymn about it. And your spouse is your best friend, and your Mom, and even your Grandmom is always there to listen. Moms with young children are so busy raising those precious children, and God is pleased with women who work at home and take care of their family. Not much time for socializing at that stage in life but it will come as your children grow. Rely on God to take care of your every need. Always be true to yourself and others and it is always ok to express your feelings. That shows you are strong and growing. Continue to write. It is one of your many gifts. God bless you always! Thanks for sharing. God will bless you for it.