I had a bad day last week. I mean really bad. The kind of bad that reminded me of the days I had every day 6 months ago. There was no reason for it to be bad… Nothing was wrong. Things were actually pretty good. But I was in a serious funk and I couldn’t shake it. (It has been raining here for probably years, which I’m sure didn’t help, but was not the only reason.) It was all I could do to get off the couch and eat, much less do the dishes. They were piled up for days. (Sorry honey.)
And then yesterday I had a great day. No particular reason. Rain still pouring, but it was great. I played with my kids, we watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, played with blocks, and we laughed. I watched Dr. Who with my husband and we laughed. (Not at the episode, because stressful. But we laughed in general.)
Today has been a great day even though my 2 year old threw a full-on, screaming on the floor, tantrum this morning because he didn’t like his socks. (Seriously. Socks.)
These are the days that are confusing. These are the days where I think it’s starting all over, or finally beginning to end.
These are also the days that I realize I have depression. I have anxiety.
Depression and anxiety do not have me.
They are my struggle, not my identity. (Not my words. A friend spoke that wisdom to me.)
The days it’s all I can do to get off the couch are not who I am.
The nights I sit on my bed shaking and terrified and certain that my husband won’t make it home do not define me.
What does define me is that I am a daughter of God. What I am is precious to Him, and He is bigger than a diagnosis.
We sang a song this morning that said —
When the lies speak louder than the truth
Remind me I belong to You
When I can’t see past the dark of night
Remind me You’re always by my side
On the days when the darkness is overwhelming, it is really hard to believe this. Some days it’s easier to believe nothing at all, because it doesn’t seem fair. But I’m always gently reminded that the light is stronger than the darkness, this is NOT the truth, and it is not the end. The battle may be long, but the war is won, and I don’t even have to fight for myself.
I am loved, I am taken care of, I am free. That is truth on the good days and the bad. Struggles aside, I know who I am. And that is my grace to hold on for one more day.
