In my first post, I referenced “another post.” I probably should have said “another several posts”, so let’s just pretend that I did and consider this one the first of those.
Post-partum depression has an ugly stigma. It sounds ugly. I don’t know about you, but to me it just sounds dark and awful and reminds me of stories of moms who are bat-crap crazy and drive their kids off of bridges, since that’s pretty much the only time I’ve ever even heard the words. It makes me think of black clouds and stormy skies. It never in a million years would have made me think of myself.
But, in fact, about 9 months after I had my youngest, I realized that something. was. wrong. That perhaps it was not normal, the way that I felt. That maybe it shouldn’t have taken me 9 months to realize it. And those three, very ugly, very dark and stormy words started to come across my radar. I have a tendency to Google everything, and then Google it again, and then Pinterest it, and then Google it again. So I read, and I researched, and I read. And I was confused and terrified and hoped I wasn’t but was pretty certain that I was. (And my doctor agreed.) But then I remembered. A dear friend had made a passing reference to this very thing, years ago. So I sent her a message. I was terrified. I’d barely even mentioned this to my poor husband, who’d had to not only deal with all of our change and no sleep, but also with the disaster that was me. But out of pure desperation and a glimmer of hope, I reached out. And that’s when she said the best two words. She said… “Me too.”
ME TOO.
You guys. I wasn’t crazy. It wasn’t weird, and it wasn’t bad or wrong. I won’t get into all the details right now… we can save that for another day. But those words gave me just enough courage to spill ALL the ugly. All the sadness, all the weirdness I couldn’t shake, all the anxiety. Every single thing I said, she affirmed. She listened and told me it was ok and then she promised it would get better. And i know she’s telling the truth, because I know her and she is better.
So this is my hope. That maybe, just maybe, one other person can see this and hear “me too.” That one other lady can read these words, and know that they are NOT the only one to feel this way, and that it will get better. It may take a while. I’m still in the throes of this myself. Medicine helps. But it will get better and one day I will look back on these days as just another storm I got through. And so will you.
And along with that… reach out to somebody. Whatever your current struggle is, share it with somebody. You never know what will happen. Maybe they’ve been through the same thing, or maybe they’re going through it right now. Maybe they have a completely different struggle and you can just support each other by listening. But be vulnerable. It could make all the difference for you both.
