I have a confession to make.
I had a c-section.
Actually, I had two.
It feels like a dirty little secret. And it feels wrong. Standing in a group of women who have given birth, somehow the conversation always turns to childbirth, and they all talk about their natural births. Their unmedicated births that went perfectly according to plan, the euphoria after the excruciating pain, the skin-to-skin and the bliss of it all. And I smile politely and keep quiet, because I don’t know about that. If I do speak up, I get a look of surprise (usually poorly attempted to be quickly disguised), and a response similar to “Oh… I just assumed.” Yes. Yes you did.
Because I assumed. The one thing in my life that I was absolutely, positively, 100% certain I would do is have a natural, unmedicated birth. I took the classes. I knew it upside down and backwards. The tricks, the techniques. What, when, and how much. C-section was not an option and my OB knew it. At least, it wasn’t an option until 18 hours in, after pushing a baby who wouldn’t budge for 2.5 hours. All my plans, everything I’d assumed for myself was shattered with one sentence. “He’s not coming out.” I don’t remember what I did or said. Maybe I just laid there. I don’t know. But I remember “I’ll let you keep going if you want to. I know you wanted to and I know you told me not to say this. But I’m telling you he isn’t coming out.” And then I remember bursting into tears. It all turned into a blur from there. I got my epidural right in the middle of a contraction. (Never fun…even less fun with back labor.) I was wheeled into the hall (to see the faces of the. entire. family.) a ball of exhaustion and hot mess and failure. They made Brandon wait outside the OR while I got prepped. I’d never had surgery in my life, and I’d never given birth, and I was about to do both, for the first time, at once.
My baby was perfect. I couldn’t have been happier. But somewhere along the way, I had to come to terms with the way things happened. I’m not one to be too disconcerted by change. Changes in plans don’t tend to phase me. But this was such a physical, emotional, whole body and soul experience… it was a whole other thing. And I grieved. I was embarrassed. I was devastated. I felt like a failure and dreaded anyone asking because I didn’t want to have to tell them.
See, some of my very best friends are supermoms. Superwomen, all around, but especially supermoms. They did it right. They birth child after child and don’t even flinch. They are strong. They are amazing. They were made for this. Everyone looks at them and knows it. They’re entirely too sweet and humble to ever think that of themselves, but everyone else knows and brags on them. I, on the other hand, was numbed up from the neck down and cut open. I was sewn up and left with a scar as ugly as the truth. It took no work whatsoever. It was the easy way out. The long way to get there, but the shortcut out. Nobody brags about that.
If you know me, you know I immediately got pregnant again. I changed providers, determined to VBAC. The midwives said no problem. Maternal-fetal medicine said no problem. I moved to a new state at 34 weeks, and my new midwife said let’s pray about it, but no problem.
And then, 360 days later, there we were again. Contractions every 2-3 minutes. Nothing else was happening. My body was frozen; it didn’t know what to do. And then I heard it again. “He’s not coming out.” It is not physically possible for a baby to exit my body the right way. I am not built for this.
Same song, second verse. Except this time around I had an older baby that I couldn’t even hold. I had to have someone come sit with me at nap time just to get him in and out of his crib because I could barely stand, much less lift him. It was all wrong, and instead of feeling victorious, instead of conquering my grief and having that moment of vindication where I reclaimed what was mine, the grief compounded. And though it’s been two years, and I’ve processed and processed and then processed some more, it lingers.
I know this isn’t necessarily a “motherhood” blog. (And if you’re still reading, bless you.) I promise I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party. I don’t want consoling. But this is my story. Maybe it has a little to do with the PPD seeping in. Maybe the PPD has exacerbated the grief. Maybe it’s a little of both. The funny thing is, I don’t see c-sections as wrong for anyone but myself. Every mother is strong and deserves your respect. She deserves even more of it after she gives birth no matter how it happens. Everyone’s birth story is perfect and beautiful whether it went according to their plan or not, whatever that plan was, and for whatever reasons. There is not one single thing wrong with anyone having a c-section…but me. For me, it’s wrong. It’s broken. And I can’t get past it.
(PS- if you happen to be talking to a mama you know who had a c-section, maybe let her know how strong you think she is. She might have been waiting 3 years to hear it.)
Hello and thank you. And you’re amazing. I don’t know you, but you should know how brave a stranger finds you. I too had the same experience, after pushing 4 hours and no progress I had to make the decision if I wanted a c-section (NOOOOO I screamed in my head, like you it was my first birth, never a surgery, and me major fear of surgery). I had two options and both ended in csection. My worst nightmare. My son was born strong and healthy. I had horrible PPD for over a year, I knew motherhood wasn’t all roses but I begged for a tiny daisy.. I had no joy. I blamed the csection it stole everything. But now almost 2 years later I can look back and say I was brave, I was strong, I am a mighty mom who did everything she could to birth her baby and when it came down to his life I let myself be cut open to give him life. It made me realize I would do anything for this child, that makes me a pretty mighty (super) woman and mom. And so are you. And as many people like to remind me, I went through full labor and a c-section and cared for a newborn in the aftermath of all of that. I didn’t always do it gracefully but I came through the fog a better stronger more forgiving person (of myself). You will be ok, you will get through this. I just wanted to give you virtual hugs from a stranger who knows exactly how you feel.
Hi Katie, and thank you so much. For your encouragement and for sharing your story with me. You are definitely super mom 🙂 I so appreciate you taking the time to stop by. It’s good to know we can be in this together.
Girl!!!!! My heart hurt reading this! I am one of the few who think it takes a stronger woman to endure a c-section. 3 of my cousins have had all cesarean births with their multiple children because of a pelvis that was too narrow and after hearing their “war stories” I cannot imagine the level of frustration in the recovery process that is 10+ weeks long. I’m too independent for that, so oooodles of kudos to you! I think it’s brave to do such a thing, not because you have no choice but because it’s so incredibly scary to have your entire body out of your own control. Thank goodness there is this option for situations like yours!! It does not make you less. In fact, IMHO I think it makes you greater!
My 2 didn’t go completely as planned either. I had the epidural stop working and stall my labor both times! I had extremely long labors and a panic attack during one. Childbirth is unpredictable and I disagree over there being “normal” and “abnormal”. I DIDNT MAKE IT ALL NATURAL WITHOUT DRUGS, and I am ok with that.
Though she be little, she is fierce!
Love you!! Xoxo
You went through all that for both of those precious babies! What a good Mother you are, and how much you love those precious ones! What an inspiration you are with your well-written blogs which help other people as well as yourself through your ‘confession’ of your true feelings! I love you!
I am a 54 yr old mother of 3. I never, ever knew a mother who had a C-section felt these feelings and I am so sorry. What you have written is genuinely beautiful and caring. I feel guilty as, I too, always said, “I want to have ‘natural’ childbirth.” Like it’s a choice. It’s not always. It’s just what we grow up thinking in our heads. I will guiltily tell you I did not require a C-section. But what is a choice is being a mother and I’m pretty sure, my instinct tells me, you are a beautiful, loving mother who cherishes that role each and every day. Thank you for your writing and sharing your feelings. ❤️
Thank you so much for your sweet words. You are very kind and shouldn’t feel at all guilty for being able to say you were able to do things according to plan. I really appreciate you reading and sharing your encouragement with me.
Thank you for sharing this. I heard my own voice in many of your words. ❤️ It’s comforting to know there are other mamas out there who have had a similar experience & felt some of the same feeling I have very heavily felt. It took me a solid year to grieve & find peace in the csection birth of my second daughter.
Just know from one mama to another , I think you are amazing ❤️
Thank you, Amy. ❤️ It does help to know their are other mamas who share the same feelings. It’s taken me a while as well, obviously, and while it’s much easier than it used to be, sometimes it just hits me all over again and it feels like a fresh wound. I know that you are amazing as well, and thank you again for your sweet words.
Both of my girls were c-section, for the same reason as yours. I hate that we are judged for “not really giving birth.” Those surgeries (which are pretty major) saved our children’s lives, not to mention, our own. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter how our beautiful babies are brought into the world, as long as they are healthy and loved. Great post!
Okay lets try this again unedited before I posted. I know you Kelly and will never think of you any different because of a c-section. Things that are out of our control happen and there’s nothing we can so. There are alot of people that have them for safety reason for both mother and baby. Don’t keep kicking yourself and making yourself feel less of a supermom because of it. I know your an awesome mom and person no matter how your brought those boys into this world. There are people out there that can’t even have kids so you we’re blessed even if not the way you wanted to have them. Keep that head up girl.
No one should be made to feel bad for how their child was born, I had 4 c-sections! In 5 years! I don’t feel bad, I didn’t fail… my body could couldn’t push a baby out… but guess what I had MAJOR surgery to get them out and was moving around hours later like nothing happened. Yes the first one knocked me back a couple of steps… but 2,3, and 4 each one got easier… It makes me so sad to see/read/hear people feel bad that they had a c-section…. their is nothing wrong with that… it’s our society that makes people feel bad, also I formula fed my kids too…. not ashamed… they are now 9,8,6 and 4 1/2 and are healthy, smart kids, that eat everything in sight all performing at the top of their game academically and physically…… Don’t feel bad…. never feel bad…. if others make you feel bad you don’t need them, in my group of friends we raise our kids all different ways and respect each others ways… we are the same as we can be different… I can talk about my c-section deliveries and not feel bad about it when I hear about my friend who easily pushed out her 4 all in the same age group as my 4… she and I can talk about nursing and formula feeding and not feel “judgy” towards the other….